Perhaps Atticus said it best … “I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past”; accurately describing a resilient person. Resilience is a rite of passage for coming out of hardship. It’s a strength that carries an individual through an experience they wouldn’t have chosen. Testing their values and their faith – in themselves and at times in humanity – coupled with their ability to emerge from adversity wiser, stronger, and more centered in themselves. When resilience is lacking or missing, adversity can knock an individual down and leave them tore up, lost, desolate, or perhaps feeling abandoned by life. Resilience is more than rebounding, it’s also a time for personal re-invention. Through a specific set of skills described below, each experience that was a source of hardship can become an opportunity to learn, experience personal expansion and understand things from a more aware viewpoint. Revealing the hidden gem that can become a well earned source of wisdom used to redirect time, energy and talent from this point forward.
How you rise to meet a challenge and persevere through adversity, affects not only the immediate outcome, it sets the stage for future outcomes and interactions. Learning compounds, skillfully moving through challenge builds inner strength – the fuel of resilience. This is an internalized state that sees beyond hardship into the potential outcomes and uses that awareness as a compass to navigate masterfully where others may break, quit, escape reality or become consumed by their emotions. Instead of fighting or avoiding change and conflict, resilient people face adversity with an open mind and use it as another way to reflect, evaluate, learn and grow. They understand it’s their choice to in how to proceed – elongating the pain or gently wade through it confident in their ability to re-define and re-direct their narrative. One can survive without resilience, but with it you can thrive!
If the storms of life were an ocean… living without resilience would be akin to swimming in the ocean – without protective gear – when a storm comes in. Where overwhelming swells could, in an instant, wreak havoc on a life. With a bit of luck and dedicated strength in fighting the relentless current, support could be found in the form of a buoy. Providing very limited protection from elemental exposure and other nearby dangers. Vulnerability that an individual is unlikely to choose, but if forced to could through exhaustive effort hold on long enough for the storm to pass and survive. Developing resilience would be akin to a lighthouse. Solid footing that stands firm in the face of ravaging elements such as wind and water that besiege it; seeking to penetrate any weakness. It may show wear post-storm or have minor damage, but it’s structure and stability are unwavering. It serves as a protective safe haven, facing adversity with an ever-present internal illumination that spreads externally, serving as an icon that provides direction for others lost at sea. Resilience is based on a number of skills:
Self-Awareness
Cultivating resilience begins with expanding one’s self-awareness. The ability to know and understand fears and weaknesses, this allows self-modulation of your reactions. Separating what’s specific to you – a result of all of your experiences – and what’s specific to the real time situation. Having this ability allows you to choose how to respond from an informed place – not react to everything you’re feeling which surely leads to regret at some point. Self-awareness gifts yourself the ability to own who you are at your weakest point so that no one else can make you feel inferior. Owning your weaknesses and vulnerabilities is a state of empowerment and it is through self-love that accepts you as you are that true change can be made to bring these negative facets into a more balanced form. This requires owning your character, personality, behavior, and attitude; approaching life with action and intention.
Autonomy
Independence that’s self-accountable through a defined personal value system; your morals and beliefs. Autonomy allows an individual to be authentic in their interactions with others because they’re accepting of who they are at a core level, and they’re willing to be transparent with others. This occurs because they’re not seeking external approval for who they are and they aren’t swayed by external influences to compromise their integrity for acceptance. This isn’t the ability to judge others based on one’s own value system. These self-governing values allows an individual to easily decipher what is tolerable and acceptable; have a clear line of accountability and integrity for self and others.
Composure
When something challenging comes up, remaining calm facilitates focusing on what’s most important. Allowing logic and reasoning to make timely, stabilizing decisions in periods of swirling uncertainty. Observation of people and environmental cues surrounding the situation, while internally modulating one’s own emotional state. Identifying emotions for what they are… messengers. Literally translated from it’s Latin root ’emovere’ meaning to agitate, to move. To send a message that gets your attention to movement. They’re not meant to take over an individual as a reaction; this likely makes things worse. They protect and alert to create the opportunity to evaluate and respond. Composure isn’t only appearing calm; it’s actually being calm. Using your focus and resources to create an actionable plan from a clear mind. Meet a challenge with action – don’t become swept away by it.
Higher Perspective
Understanding the immediate situation, while also taking in a higher view. Knowing that what’s present is a portion of the story. Everyone involved brings all their current and past experience; including unresolved baggage with them into their present-day interactions. When a conflict arises, it only takes a moment to ask clarifying questions that can diffuse a conflict by eliminating assumptions. The difference between what is said and what’s heard. Before you react, pause, and give space to understand. Ask, ‘This is what I heard, is this what you meant to convey?’ Be fully present, observe body language and facial expressions to evaluate the message being relayed. Look for indicators that something went sideways and take steps to clarify the intent and keep everyone informed. Knowing what you want to convey is half the goal. By being present and paying attention to what’s being received and modulate yourself you can experience a new dimension to life. One great way to gain perspective in any situation is to pause and reflect. Does this really matter? Will it matter in a few hours? Will it matter in a few days? Will it matter in a few years? If not, is it really worth reacting to? Certainly, you may be edgy and not at your best after a tough day but a few simple heartfelt questions can reframe all of that into an awareness of what really matters, not what is easiest to do/say right now. This applies to everything in life, your own inner-critic, how you interact with others; where, how and on what you invest your time. Looking at it from the broadened perspective of what it gives back to you in time.
Self-Compassion
Being accountable is a positive step forward as an individual… however, overwhelming feedback can erode your progress. Whether it comes from that ever present voice, known as the inner critic, or an external source; it needs to be monitored and tempered. Progress isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being perfectly, imperfect! Accepting and learning from failure as much as success. Knowing when to push forward and when to take a restorative break. Self-compassion is not about escaping, it’s dedicated time for rejuvenating that inner spark to promote more effective forward movement. Begin learning self-compassion by being aware of your various achievements thus far and feel gratitude for the learning that brought you here. Next, learn to identify needs and make space to meet them. If you’re exhausted, be kind to yourself and rest. If you’re the nurturer, find some temporary relief to give back to you. By taking care of you, you strengthen your ability to care for others. This is especially important during difficult times. It helps balance overwhelm with restoration. Lastly, keep a long-term perspective. This too will one day become part of your history and no longer immediately present. Allow yourself to feel and process things as needed in safe and peaceful environment and when you’re ready let go of the pain turn your energy into a focus point, committing yourself to moving forward differently. Be careful not to admonish yourself, keeping your inner chatter in check. If it’s not something you’d say to a dear friend or a struggling child, it shouldn’t be something you’re saying to yourself. Self-compassion is a gentle encourager that emerges victorious, accepts stumbles as part of learning, and keeps effort in balance to ensures energy for the duration of the journey.
Identify healthy outlets for reward, renewal, restoration and inspiration. For introverts, these may be solitary restorative things; extroverts may choose more social activities. Take in sources of enjoyment: relax, read, dance, sing, laugh, play, create, draw, explore, go outdoors, seek adventure … do things that strengthen your reservoir of available energy. What you do isn’t as important as how it makes you feel – as long as you’re respecting yourself and others in the process.
Optimism
Attitude and approach to any situation will influence the outcome. Being self-motivated, with a positive attitude, yields a higher rate of success. When it’s not a natural disposition, this is learned through concerted effort. Learning to approach life from an open-mind creates flexibility that rewards dedicated effort. Repetition of this results in a greater tolerance for rising to the challenge of new things and allows difficult times to become a source of learning from experience rather than becoming lost within it. Overtime there’ll be a stronger thread of opportunity grasped by embracing optimism. When the automatic decision is no; the outcome is guaranteed. By saying yes to being open to considering new things; a wealth of options that would otherwise be lost are now available.
Adaptability
The world is full of uncertainty and change. Things that happen can be unfortunate, but within them there is something to be gained. Whether it’s an important life lesson or a new level of skill. Instead of running from change, take a look at it, be open, what is needed to balance this out? Pull upon support if needed and don’t be afraid to dream, think bigger. Where can this take you? Adaptability is the single most important skill you can acquire to prevent stagnation for yourself. It’s inevitable that things change. The world is in continuous state of movement and progress and so is your life. Allow yourself to dance with opportunity, call upon support for guidance and be willing to expand your horizons. Observe and reflect. How could your approach make this less negative or more beneficial? What is potential long-term outcome? What actions take you there? Make a decision and set goals. Breaking it into smaller pieces and begin moving through the various stages until you reach the point of completion. Adaptability requires more than intention – it requires dedicated drive and action. Proactive adaptability is much easier on a collective rather than reactive adaptability.
Practicality
While being idealistic is a positive state that describes how the world should be, it doesn’t necessarily meet with the reality of a situation. When developing resilience, it’s important to keep a practical perspective. It may be wonderful if everyone could get along, but let’s be honest, that’s not always a possibility. Remaining cognizant of available resources and applicable allocations of them will enforce healthy personal boundaries. Where does my responsibility begin and end? What’s needed versus what’s desired? This applies to all the resource items like time, energy, support and financing. It’s also being mindful of the actions taken and various potential results; risk and reward. Where does this end? What is the breaking point? What are the consequences? Are they acceptable? How can risks be mitigated?
Purpose
There is nothing better to encourage strength in the face of hardship than having a purpose, a reason to push forward in times of distress. What happens when that internal drive is missing? How do you manifest a will to survive if the very reason for living is undefined for you? Understand there’s a purpose in your life if you’re still here – even if you can’t see it. Identify what you’re grateful for. Find resources that inspire you. It can be anything that uplifts you like reading, connecting to animals, nature, or people. Working on self-improvement or with others in altruistic ways. Find a healthy support system and see your own beauty through their eyes. Have gratitude for your experiences and understand that others can be inspired by you. Your experiences don’t define you; they are the pathway markers to actualize your potential.
Support System
Surround yourself with people who are a positive, optimistic and practical. People who hold space for personal growth, brainstorming, and reflective thinking. Those who inspire, think in broader terms, appreciate creativity and demonstrate compassionate strength in their own lives. These are individuals who encourage and challenge another. Providing stability that reaches for the next level of potential through an inspirational and clarifying approach that isn’t judgmental and doesn’t overstep boundaries. Confinement, limitation, and control are not supportive. Grounded, logical, and flexibility in helping you sort out what the best paths forward are. This space can be filled by one person or many as long as they do not compromise your will and keep the focus intent in your best interest.
Resilience doesn’t eliminate fear, it encapsulates fear with courage. A mixture of foresight, higher visioning, and proactive action that’s capable of balancing risks and consequences with experience to propel oneself forward. It’s an inner champion that knows from this experience, somehow, someway, a gem of growth – obscure as it may be – can be realized if we allow ourself to become one with the process; instead of reeling away from it.
Learning resilience is liberating, it removes fear about the unknown when facing a challenge or change through leveraging experience and learning manageable stages for personal growth.
Through resilience you can:
- Transform your relationship with yourself, tempering the inner critic with self-compassion.
- Transform your relationship with others by maintaining active awareness of the higher perspective.
- Increase happiness by identifying meaning and purpose.
- Connect with people who are a true support network that encourage without judgment or conditions.